SelfControl
by Appuru
Summary: ...And at some point Sasuke discovers that fine line of selfcontrol has blurred into something invisible, and he can’t tell what he wants from what he needs. [SasuNaru]


**self**** - control**

Sasuke has strength and ambition and sense. Sasuke is strong and skilled and smart enough to know the difference. Sasuke knows exactly what he wants and how to get to it, but amid all other qualities Sasuke also has fear. Sasuke is so very, very afraid.

Not of enemy nin, or the underlying promise of the Cursed Seal, of silly things like small spaces and falling off cliffs: Sasuke is afraid of himself and his self-control, because if anything Sasuke does not know exactly where his restraint lies, and that's perhaps the most critical piece of knowledge of all. Sasuke needs control like he needs oxygen, and lately he's felt like he's drowning on plain grass and ground.

It's a quality supposedly instilled in him since his early days, back when he was just one Uchiha in a mob of black-haired progeny. Sasuke, nor any of the Uchiha clan, is given toys or petty distractions. Sasuke, like Itachi, is supposed to present all his consciousness to training, like slave to master, cling to it as if it were his lifeblood. Sasuke is not allowed to desire playtime and breaks and having fun, but that was okay. Itachi was good enough. _Was._

Sasuke has always been reserved. Quiet. Calm.

And at some point Sasuke discovers that fine line of self-control has blurred into something invisible and he can't tell what he wants from what he needs. And that's breaking rule number one right there, because Sasuke isn't allowed Want.

Sasuke isn't supposed to Want warmth and companionship, the tap of knuckles-to-fist after the mission is done, isn't supposed to Want laughter and joy and all those little things. _And it's Naruto's fault_, because Sasuke has no one else to blame: _It's Naruto's fault. _

Naruto's fault for cerulean-cored eyes and sun-kissed skin, rough golden mop of hair like the ever faithful dog or wolf, for his molten gaze and disarming grin. Sasuke wants to beat that smirk into the ground and six feet under, if only as his last desperate reminder that he _isn't_ allowed.

Sasuke isn't allowed to Want, because Sasuke isn't allowed to Keep. And Sasuke doesn't want to keep, either, because he knows someday, sooner or later, it's torn from his clawing (flailing, really) fingers and he's broken all over again: another Uchiha tragedy, only in the shape of orange-clad limbs and a bright outspoken soul. Sasuke is afraid of what he doesn't know, and the fact he Wants to say three god damned words to the entirely wrong person and the fact he doesn't know what happens after scares him. Sasuke can't stay in Konoha, after all, and even if Sasuke gets what Sasuke wants, he can't keep Him and his dreams all at once.

So Sasuke is forced to concentrate instead on the sound of blood pounding beneath his skin, when really, all he hears is Naruto's heavy breathing and constant brash insults, Naruto's sweat-slicked skin and flushed face and his proclaimation he didn't lose and Sasuke cheated and he wanted a rematch. And then Naruto trips and falls on Sasuke for one stunned minute, and then Sasuke shoves him off and Naruto's caught by his graceless gaze and then Sasuke breaks.

_It's Naruto's fault_, Inner Sasuke repeats, when both Naruto and Sasuke simultaneously lean forward, strained hands and muscles caught in the other's clothes a crazy tangle of limbs, slammed together in a needy kiss. _It's Naruto's fault,_ and he can't let go of it, can't let go of _him_, and Sasuke has wanted a million things in this lifetime that all fall away, and Sasuke's world narrows to Naruto and Naruto alone.

Naruto's arms are coiled around his and Naruto's fingers are threading through his hair, and Sasuke finds his own fingers have found their way through Naruto's clothes and are trailing to his waist, and for once Sasuke knows _exactly_ what he wants, and Sasuke also knows _exactly_ here his control lies—snapped in two clean pieces that don't quite fit together again and far beyond his reach.


End file.
